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Wednesday, July 20th, 2011

Time:3:55 pm.
You can never go home again, or so I have read. With a slight nod in the direction of defeat, for the first time in three years I am inclined to agree. Home, my home, the hanging moss over the gravestones in the swollen, humid mist, the familiar voices over drinks and dinner, childhood a three hour trek away....it's all over, and I can't go back. I miss it in the cold nights, in winter. I miss having people who understand me, even though I'll never really think anyone does. That doesn't exist anymore and the sooner this idea is embraced, the easier it will be to move forward. Thank you New York, for showing me a cruel, harsh, traffic-ridden way. I will miss you. But not like that.
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Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Subject:another blog
Time:11:01 pm.
But this time all that's there is me. I've been writing more often there.


means 'frailties' in german, so's ya know.
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Friday, April 16th, 2010

Subject:PaleBones Beauty
Time:8:03 pm.
My new blog, musings and praises for all things beauty and vintage dark glamour. Please follow and support

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Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

Time:11:04 pm.
I don't have to sell my soul. He's already in me.
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Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Time:9:28 am.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die...
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Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Time:10:44 pm.
Mood: sad.
Once upon a time, on a hot Florida day, I was sitting on a curb in between clients at work when a little grey furball with the wildest green eyes glinting in the sun sat next to me, put his paws on my lap, and won my heart forever. I often tell this story and say that I found Lucius, but in truth Lucius found me. One raincolored furball changed my life. Oh I have had pets before, and I loved them dearly and always will. Kody, Muffin and Bijou will all remain in the fondest of my memories. This was different. I have loved many animals but until I met Luci, I was never loved by an animal to the extent that I am blessed to know now. I had never experienced what it was to wake up in my huge California king size bed with a kitty face smushed into my forehead with a protective paw over my collarbone. I never knew the joys of having my hair groomed/eaten off of my head at two in the morning, or having my face licked when I was tired, or purred to sleep when I was sick. I would open my eyes some days to immediately receive a gentle paw-push against my lips. I was never really a cat person, and now I can't imagine my life without one. However, first and foremost I can't imagine my life without Lucius. Three weeks ago I was told by a stranger that my best kitty friend and I can't be together anymore, and there isn't a price tag in the world that can change that. Only ever once before in my life have I felt like I had been kicked in the chest by the weight of sadness that came with the phonecall that my little boy has so many tumors in his liver that nothing in the world would save him. I hit the window, quite literally to hold myself up and comprehend what I was being told. I had prepared myself for a severe illness and a huge surgery bill. I neglected to even think of the possibility that something could take him and not even give me a choice. I have cried almost every day since then and most recently just a moment ago. And he knows, however sick he is he still knows when his mommy is sad and though he barely comes out of the little den I made for him, he will still not hesitate to jump onto my chest and purr me to sleep. We laid together in the most perfect moment on Christmas Eve, bundled up together in bed as the sun was setting, with him rubbing his little grey forehead against mine like a little lion.
I feel so many things, sadness obviously, anger even. I was given less than three years with the most amazing kittyloaf on the planet, and it isn't fair. Lucius is love put on this earth in cat form. His whole existence is about being loved by his humans and loving them back. I can't even tell you how many comments we get about how uncommonly affectionate he is. I was just sitting in my closet with him, as I have so many nights lately and even in spite of himself when he sees me sit down he begins to purr. He slowly looks up at me with those stunning green eyes as if to tell me he isn't gone yet, and then gradually lowers his head again, his little pink stomach that was shaved for all the ultrasounds gently rising and falling. I hold his paws in my hands and the tears always come without fail. I realize I should be grateful to have had him at all, and believe me I am. It is just the hardest thing to not only lose a close friend, but to know it's coming and wait for it. And it isn't just the death of pet, or even a cat I was particularly affectionate towards. It's the death of a being that I have loved more than most humans in this world, who has wordlessly understood me and laid by my side every night in ways you can rarely count on in this world. My beautiful baby who doesn't meow anymore, who doesn't climb on the refrigerator or stealth attack my other cat anymore, but can still find it in himself to jump to my side when I'm hysterically crying. So here's to you, the Baron Lucius von Müller, I will be there for you until your last moments, and I will love you for the rest of your life, and mine. You have blessed me with an understanding in life that is rare and unconditional and I tried my best to keep us together. I'm sorry it wasn't enough.
I thought this quote was appropriate:

"You fought hard to stay alive, my friend. In the end, though, you couldn't conquer death. But neither did death conquer you. Death cures all diseases, mends all broken bones, breaks all chains... and made you free at last."
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Thursday, August 6th, 2009

Subject:have you examined the emo boots?
Time:7:55 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
The sky being its typical shade of Northeastern Grey today, I decided there was no time like the present to do something insanely exciting, like laundry. Being that I pay 1400 a month for an apartment with no washer and dryer I hiked my dirty-clothed ass to the south shore (represent) to hang out in old Lindy with my grandmother and do some clothes. "Do you need to separate them?" She asks. "Nah, they're all black," I reply.

I then proceeded to get totally sucked into a show called "Bones" and while away my whole afternoon. Folding and Forensics, oh yes. Not bad that I even got out of bed today considering I went to bed at 4 am due to my dear friends in other time zones...

I cannot stop listening to the audial crack candy that is "The Fame" by Lady GaGa. I hate her so much for defeating me, god knows I resisted. There is DEFINITELY some subliminal brainwashing going on under those 80s beats. I'm so weak.
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Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

Subject:No amount of pointless days, could make this go away
Time:11:37 pm.
And...I miss you. You've been gone only a couple of days but the bed is feeling a little large as of late. Our feline minions do their best to keep me occupied, but you know how it is when the lights go out and the moonlight illuminates the sheer black curtains. Silence.....stillness. It's nice in its way but it's no replacement for you.

The heat and water of Freeport did its best to knock me out today, as I fell all but face first into my bed early this afternoon. Sleep was welcome.

I hate all of these pictures...boxes and boxes and photo albums. I should burn them all and start over, and forget that I was ever that happy. Years and years of good moments, people past and present. It makes me sick to remember them all at once. I miss it all. I want to roll around in the stickiness of contentment and never let go.

Come home now. Thanks.

Dark matter flowing onto a tape, is only as loud as the silence it breaks...

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Monday, July 27th, 2009

Subject:Always the summer, slipping away
Time:1:38 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
The days are long, the city is sticky... and every day I am walking around, hidden behind long dark hair and obnoxiously large sunglasses wondering if I can even recognize which way is up. I quit my cash-cow corporate nazi job in favor of a cash-barren, artist-friendly job that I actually like with consequences I can't quite piece together as of yet.
I don't even know what I want to be doing anymore. I do enjoy my chosen profession but I feel that any sort of recklessness allowance I may have accrued is dwindling with every year that I age. I'm going to be 27 next year, and I don't think I should be frolicking about with no real steady career yet at the same time part of me says "Stop, these years are precious and you need to fucking enjoy them." Well isn't that the age old paradox. Do what you love and be poor. Do what you hate and sell your soul to corporate usa and you can have all the money you're too tired to spend.

I'm also having a problem with nostalgia lately, namely to make things that have achieved such status the opposite. I am not one to ever forget people who once meant a lot to me. I am very good, better than most I have to say, at fully retaining what has made me feel alive. If you fall under that heading, or have ever, you are never forgotten. I soak it all up, and it lives in me indefinitely. Truth be told I hold on to so much it hurts me sometimes that I can't have it always.

I miss Florida. I miss being around people who already know the whole backstory. I lived on a dirt road across from a goat farm before I left, and not that I would go back to that, or to college Orlando before that, those were the days, and no big city in the world is worth it if I can never feel that way again.
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Wednesday, November 1st, 2006

Time:6:01 pm.
Holy crap, this thing still exists?

Well Halloween was fun as always, the Krystal and I got wasted beyond recognition and flailing ensued.

Anyways, what's new you may ask?

I still work for Rusk, and I have been for over a year and half. For the last ten months I have worked full time at David James in Thornton Park, catering to pretentious blonde highlights and botox inflated egos. It's a lovely job, one that I happen to like quite a bit, but some of the clients can sod off if you ask me....

I have an amazing, wonderful man in my life. European, no less. I'm honestly the happiest I can recall being in a really long time, despite what they may tell you about Aries-Scorpio unions :) We've been inseparable pretty much since we started talking on my 23rd birthday which was in April, so wish me luck with all that...

Anyways, that's about it on the update front, I use MySpace a hell of a lot more so if anyone feels like visiting www.myspace.com/neuralrust and messaging me, that would be welcome.

Hope everyone in LJ land has been doing well, I'm off to take a well deserved slumber at the moment...
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Thursday, September 1st, 2005

Time:10:55 pm.
Mood: sad.
I love when people think the things they say or write that they want to stay private actually will. I fully include myself in this statement. The one person you don't want something to get back to ultimately will. It is for this reason that I feel so utterly humbled by human nature this fantastic evening. I made a huge via internet error this morning and the last year and half came back to bite me in the ass. I learned some fantastic things that have been said about me in recent times, by people that actually made my jaw drop. This is how naive I am. No I don't think it means my friendships are false it just makes me realize that I cannot count on anyone in this world to not talk shit about me behind my back and that's quite honestly very frightening to me. And I don't just mean oh so and so was angry at me and venting, things can be just great and people feel the need to discuss things they know nothing about. And what kills me I think is that these conversations have apparently taken place between both those who know NOTHING about me and some who know me better than anyone on this earth. I think that probably hurts more than anything, although I realize this is something we as a culture do, and I can't discount myself from that.
We say hurtful things about each other, and they hurt the people we're talking about ten times worse when we're not there to explain our intentions when they hear about it. Because they will, there's no getting around it.
I need a new life, I need new friends. I need to get away from myself, because even I have hurt one of the only people in my life that may have ever truly loved me which is more than I can say for the rest of the false personalities I've surrounded myself with.
Wow...this actually really sucks.
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Thursday, August 18th, 2005

Time:2:16 am.
So, I feel the need to puke up the last five days. Nonetheless I have emerged victorious and passed my Level II pt. 1 training in hagerstown, MD.
Shoved out of my box I was, all securities broken in half and thrown at my feet. Not only was my security blanket of all I know hairdressing to be taken away from me, but it was lit on fire right in front of my face.
Thanks once again to my friend and mentor Phil Stone for pushing me above an beyond what I thought myself capable of. I bawled my eyes out, experience many personal victories, and learned to cut hair like a motherfucker. I am developing a stomach of steel these days. Look out world.
Next up: show in Orlando, show in Buffalo, NY Oct. 14th.
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Sunday, July 24th, 2005

Subject:get over here
Time:11:09 am.
"Can you do my hair?
I want free hair products! You're so
Fabulous. You have Such a Glamorous,
Jet Set Life."

"Goodbye, Good Riddance, Au Revoir.
Auf Wiedersehn, Hasta La Vista.
Don't Let the Door Hit You In
The Ass on the Way Out. See ya Bitch."


What: It's 2 Parties in 1! Say goodbye to Tanya, She's leaving for NYC and celebrate Jessica graduating from Paul Mitchell the School and becoming a fabulous Rusk Designer!

When: Sat, August 6, 2005 @ 10:30 pm

Where: If you don't know by now, you're not invited. If you may have forgotten, call me. If you don't know my number you're really shit out of luck.

--Invitation writtten by the fabulous Tanya M. Tibbets
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Thursday, June 30th, 2005

Subject:So I did it....
Time:4:05 pm.
I'm on the Rusk Design Force as unreal as that sounds to put down into words. Pittsburgh and Phil Stone kicked my ass and challenged me mentally more than anything I have ever done in my entire life. I essentially haven't slept or eaten in about 5 days, my adrenaline levels are just now tapering off, and I'm gearing up to go to Baltimore on August 13th for my level 2 training. I will be working my first corporate show on August 29th for Premeire, one of the largest beauty shows in the country. I never thought I would have this so soon. The massive amount of support on my side was overwhelming, I have THE most amazing friends I could ever ask for, so I just want to thank them, as well as the person who took a chance in order to give me a chance, I am forever indebted to.
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Monday, June 20th, 2005

Subject:AND GOD SAID HOLD IT!!!!........
Time:10:27 pm.
"AND.....they HELD it! And God saw......that it was terrible...and God said, 'Where the hell is TIM?' And there the hell WAS Tim.....and God said, let there be doors that open when they open and close when they close...perhaps you'd like Poppy to mash up some banana?.....I'm beginning to know how God felt when he sat alone in the dark creating the world..."

"And how is that, Lloyd my darling?"

"Very pleased he'd taken his Valium."
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Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

Time:10:10 am.
I was just admiring my friends list but a moment ago and realized I never talk to half of you anymore and that really sucks. No one uses this thing anymore.

Oh well, what shall I bitch about today? Hm. I think today's rant will be inspired by a conversation/childish altercation I had a few days ago in which I realized exactly how many people populate my life that (gasp!) don't like me quite as much as they let on. Now, before you slit your wrists in agony, yes I realize humans are apparently genetically predispositioned to be shit-talking sluts from hell....I know you would never think this, but even I must admit to having fallen into this category a time or two. But we are not talking about ME. I'm talking about people who have been in my life for months or years that are more than mere passersby, but have played a consistent role or two at some point in my life. Apparently, the best way to find out how they really feel about you is to piss off a mutual friend. Among other things never said to my face of course, is that I'm over emotional and dramatic. No shit. Spend five minutes with me and you would know that, if you had half a brain cell. Operative word here is "if".

My point is, why do people (not even people, individuals I have called a friend) feel the need to express such sentiments to everyone but me? Chances are, if you are going to complain about my shortcomings, I am already aware of them and I'm not going to change them for you. Call me out, I love when people do that and have the utmost respect for it. And Christ forbid you do not know the complete catalog and birthdates of every band in a genre of music you claim to like, you lying bastards, because you will conjure even more hostility. And then you'll be called over emotional on top of THAT, and then your world will really be crumbling around your ankles.

In other news, I am almost done with school, a frightening prospect if I've ever heard one. You better hope that you let me do your hair while I was in school because if you shunned my shears while I was learning, I will never, ever touch your hair even when I'm winning NAHAs and touring the world. And then you will rue the day.

Speaking of, I finally heard from David yesterday. I swear out of everyone I have ever met in my life, no one can keep up with me like he can, as far as quick little witty comments one after another. We have the greatest conversations and some of the most amazing one-liners ever known to man.

Tanya, Kevin and I are going to venture into the world of Melt Banana tommorrow evening, SAM are you listening.....I think the first time I ever heard of them was standing in line to see Mr. Bungle with you, Pat and Jen and Jody...the night we piled five of us in the metro and shoved Pat in the trunk. See, it all comes full circle.

Oh yeah, and I'm having an amazing time existing right now. I am off to consume combos and long for tofu fajitas and days of yesteryear.
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Saturday, May 28th, 2005

Time:10:49 am.
Ah, LiveJournal we cross paths yet again.
Life is in a state of upheaval as of late, I'm neither coming or going but just suspended midair and rather enjoying it.
Attended a kickass metal show in support of Dark Faith, my girl Ariana was by my side when everyone abandoned me in the eleventh hour, throwing up horns like a seasoned blastbeat junkie. God I love her.
In addition I was kept company by Justin, Sabrina, Cartel, Troy and Pete, got drunk and went to bed at five ante-meridian. \m/
My hair feels like a nest of glue. I can't be any more fabulous.
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

Time:1:48 am.
Another year older, hopefully only slightly less wiser.....(wise)

I have the most amazing people in my life. You know who you are. I love you.
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Monday, March 14th, 2005

Time:12:31 pm.
Mood: energetic.
What a beautiful, glorious Monday off. A whole day to spend with my baby and I'm hopefully getting my hair finished later on tonight.....sweet.
Went to the medieval faire yesterday and partook in sandWIDGES and shortcake, had meat shoved in my face by some carcass-peddling whore, got singled out to be called "gothic" at the MEDIVEAL FAIRE more than once, and forced Tanya to eat at Cracker Barrel. My inner dark forces must seriously be overpowering to be wandering around in jeans, sneakers and a black tank top to be asked by a lowly pretzel herder if my companion and I were going to cry ourselves to sleep tonight because we were so gothic!!!!! What the fuck is that about at the fucking medival faire?!? We were not by any stretch of the imagination dressed nearly as bizarre as everyone else there. And then a merchant (who was selling glitter of all things), used the key selling pitch to us that we could "throw it on people's heads when we go to goth clubs." Excuse me?
Anyways, the last week has been nothing short of amazing, my best friend and I were reunited for a whole ten days of gas station coffee, being highly offended, getting our hair did, spending obscene amounts of money, eating sushi and drinking 8 dollar cups of alcoholic coffee, and watching life changing movies about saws, serial killers, bunny suits, Dr. Satan and existential detectives.
I'm off to partake in feta cheese and olives, I know you're all jealous so I will spare you the details. Au revoir.
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Friday, January 21st, 2005

Time:10:06 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
How does it feel without your drugs?
How does it feel without my love?

Steven Wilson sings, "somewhere in the haze you lost your smile...." and those words float around my room and linger above my head.
I feel those words resound especially these days since I have forgotton what a normal life feels like.
I think I am just a machine at times, working for a cause much greater than myself but losing that self sometimes in the process. I miss feeling like I had a day to myself, or a moment to reflect, or even a chance to drive around and do the mundane things I used to despise. There is a such thing as needing to be alone. I don't quite feel like me when I think anymore. This is not to be mistaken for depression or anything of the like, I absolutely love my life and the amazing people that populate it. Steve, my Krystal, Tanya, Kevin, Christina, Julia, Ariana, Dominique, Phil, Brent....the people who I love, or keep me company, or make my phone ring.
I love that I'm taking control of my life, and even though it might seem such a trivial thing to even think about I miss days just sitting around listening to music, or going down to the cemetary and writing, or playing video games and blowing an obscene amount of money on dining out. But I'm going to be 22 this year, and at this juncture I would guess it's time to step up to working and bills and rent and starting a career and being as grown up as I ever hope to be which isn't a whole lot.
I'm reading a book on Jack the Ripper currently, about how for the first time they are able to use DNA testing on old stamps and letters to almost certainly reveal his identity. I also just finished Lemony Snicket's the Wide Window. I haven't discovered any new music recently, mostly just regressing into my oldest most cherished music. It keeps me company throughout the day.
I was just looking at pictures of me when my hair was so long and for the first time I miss it. Not enough to have it back as I love my black and magenta texture circus I've got going on right now....but just enough to know I have to grow it all back one day in the very distant future.

Waiting here along the way to blue.....
Remembering the days I spent with you........
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